he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
