Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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