My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
