just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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