I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
