If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
