just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
