He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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