Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
