sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
