My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
