Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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