she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
