were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
