no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
