I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
