Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
