Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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