It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
