The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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