Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
