I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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