my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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