I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
