I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
