Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
