ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
