Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
