Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
