I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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