Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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