I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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