We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
