cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
