My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
