I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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