gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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