Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
