So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
