Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
