why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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