At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
