Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
