the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
