She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
