he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
