thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
His hands were made for my vagina.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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