yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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