The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
