I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
