My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
